Thursday, 16 April, 2009
Just had freshmen orientation camp/FOC/free-of-charge.
After the camp, it made me remind of how i was like in the past. Not like a part of them, but just reminded me.
Since the past year, so much has happened.
Friends changed, environment changed, mindsets shifted, thinkings changed, perspectives changed, things changed.
Things changed about me.
Remember how i used to be such a camp person when i was in secondary school?
i don't.
Not after this camp at least.
But something i was hoping that would come back to me, didn't.
My enthusiaism, my belonging to the certain schools and organisations, didn't.
I don't belong, but i just love the feeling of eurphoria when i just sit, observe, and thinking about these people.
Not something different, but the same as what i've felt previously.
Maybe their prime was now, and mine, years ago.
Maybe my culture is just different from them.
Maybe not.
I wanna be like them, but i know i somehow can't.
I wanna go back to the sleepless nights,
The useless fights.
I wanna go back to the line of light.
I just don't belong.
I feel that i've them them down somewhat.
Like how they asked me to narrate,
Even if i wasn't in anyway able to participate.
I feel like i didn't work or do what i was told to do in the best of my abilities.
Disappointment in myself, is that what they call it?
Disappointment in wishing things could have been better if you were there to make it better.
Now i'm looking at the narration list.
That i was given to introduce the new lovers.
The new lovers of hms.
Their time was just then.
Only when i let it slip it by and put it all in vain.
Still looking at the list, looking a day well spent,
A day that could have been improved more likely.
Sitting in the bus stop, doing nothing.
The ostrich, the rabbit, the peacock, the panda, the pigeon, the lion, the cow, the monkey, and the barbarian.
Our exco zodiac.
But wait, there's one undetermined zodiac, me.
I always knew that there were ten of us.
And that only four would make a comeback next year.
Would i be one of them?
I wonder.
Probably not.
With emotions overflowing and my puny mind wandering.
I think.
I think hard.
I think hard about those that would make their return next year.
As the thought passes my mind,
Let it be fate,
Let it be desinty,
Let it be what you call it,
They walk past by.
Seeing me doing a thing i shouldn't even have dreamt or even imagined.
They saw me.
The pigeon throwing her remarks on my shameful act.
Defaulting me to roleplay the liar.
The barbarian and panda stop to show they care, concerned along with their seniors.
But i regretfully reject their aid.
But wait, only a few were amongst them.
Are these the chosen four?
But there were only three.
Right?
Are they chosen based on social skills to keep up with their seniors?
Or cases where people are judged according to personal cabilities?
My thoughts drift further as i keep thinking why i feel so left out.
Is it because of the different way we do things?
They different ways we celebrate,
And how we muse.
Could it be the clash of ideas that has led me to becoming such an introvert?
Hearing them sing praises of themselves,
Especially when i feel such a waste,
Introvert.
Another thing i'm becoming to think i'm becoming to see.
To see of myself.
They say introverts have their strengths to make up for their weaknesses.
If so, i'm definately not seeing any in current circumstances.
Not like i have any choice to choose what i want to be.
With the current clashes on idealism.
I just keep telling myself that different people have their different ways of thinking.
If said be, do they keep it a hush while the others say what they want?
Do they become introverts too?
Or do they commence their disputes on their way of thinking,
Protecting what they think is right,
Protecting it all too well.
Just like an absolute defence, that no minority can penetrate their thick heads with.
Their thick heads all caught up in success of themselves.
What do they deem success as?
Probably a whole lot different level from me.
Probably not even the in same category, and definately not same level as me.
Or maybe its just me.
Not being happy with what i have.
What i've achieved- nothing.
I've always been the greedy bastard.
Taking all the fame and credit.
Which explains why i'm so fucking pissed off with these people.
One person can be at the spotlight only at once.
And person has been in it for far too long.
And what if the seniors leave?
What will become of us?
Fighting for the spotlight?
Or simply struggling just to attain their leadership.
I wouldn't bother.
Not anymore.
Because i've tried.
Because i don't belong.
Correction, i don't deserve to feel belonged.
I don't deserve to be amongst them.
Most laugh when they hear i'm one of them.
Probably because the laughers are the people i belong with.
Or not.
I just demand too much from life.
Too much from all this.
It's just too much.
When i don't get what i want.
It's either all.
Or nothing.
They deserve so much more from me.
Because i owe them so fucking much in their efforts of bringing me back.
I want to go back.
But i just can't.
With the amount of people i've been letting down.
I just can't.
I keep saying that i won't,
But i never fail to just ruin and screw everything up.
Letting them down all over again.
Then came the drinking and laughing,
Another factor in which i led the pack.
Caught AGAIN for inappropriate decency.
Is this another sign for me that i don't belong?
I just don't know.
It makes me just wanna give up on everything altogether.
Everything i've done, everything i've worked for.
But then again, wouldn't i be letting down more people yet again?
Why the fuck does all these bad things have to get compressed into the same fucking day?
My fault for introducing a way to clear the alcohol fast,
And to make them drink water to get sober, even faster.
If not for me my accomplices wouldn't get their asses scalded.
Without my stupidity and immaturity everything should have gone the way i want them to.
I'm just a boy not deserving to exist around here.
But faith, not luck brought me here.
According to someone.
Something i find very hard to believe.
Except for the person trying to make a fool out of himself.
Or take me myself and i as the fool.
What made me special?
What made me stand out?
I always wonder what a beautiful mess
That i've got myself into by
Sheer,
Pure,
Dumb,
Luck.
2:02 PM
